Comments on: The Case Against "I Love You"

By: Joey

Joey — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 03:40:31 +0000

I’m dating someone who says “I love you” like every hour (not kidding). I dont like saying “I love you” that much because I feel its like overkill. I don’t like overusing that phrase just to say it. I do tell that person “i love you” when I actually feel it not just to say it. They get bothered that I dont say it as much as they do so i have pretty much say it as a reply to their “i love you” without any feeling. Is that bad? They even tell me “tell me you love me” or “why dont you tell me you love me as much as I do?” I do in fact love them but feel that I dont have to say it on an hourly basis. We have been dating for a year and I think if I didnt love them I wouldnt be with them this long. Any suggestions? Am I in the wrong?

By: John Anyasor

John Anyasor — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 00:19:33 +0000

I have never said ‘I love you’. Not even to my own mother. I asked her why we didn’t say it and she told me, “Because it doesn’t need to be said.”

Words cannot define our relationship :-)

By: David Cain

David Cain — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 00:05:19 +0000

I think you nailed it. Critical hit. Natural 20.

By: Rufus Shepherd

Rufus Shepherd — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 20:49:01 +0000

Sometimes “I love you” sounds suspiciously like “That t-shirt is starting to look way too big on you.”

By: Jeff Sutherland

Jeff Sutherland — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 17:38:06 +0000

Cheers to this timely advice! I first noticed this issue when I would get kinda frustrated every time my wife said, “I love you”. What kinda loser feels frustrated when their wife says “I love you”??

Finally, I realized I was frustrated because I didn’t know what it meant. What does that EVEN mean?? “Love” is so vague.

So, every time my wife said those 3 magic words, I started probing further and asked, “What were you thinking about me, that prompted you to say that?”

Turns out its usually cause I’m sooo hot. (I think that’s what she meant when she said, “It was so kind of you to wash the dishes.”)

Whatever it is, I want to make sure I do it more often!

I also started removing the phrase from my vocab, because when I use it I really am being lazy. I’ve got to define my thoughts and feelings better.

Thanks for the reminder!

By: Kay

Kay — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:44:03 +0000

I over use i love you.
But i also say a lot of other positive supportive stuff when i am dating someone.
Love is very much a verb, and acting out that love is often times a much better way of sharing it as opposed to just throwing the L word around.
I still over use it though. sometimes i just can’t help but tell someone i love that i love them. the key is not to just leave it at that.

By: CT Moore

CT Moore — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:38:41 +0000

In the first chapter of “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs,” Chuck Klosterman goes to town on the idea of love and the cultural connotation it carries for us. He makes a pretty compelling case for why what we think of as “love” is not only a cultural construct, but a consumer one spun by Hollywood and the recording industry to sell us movie tickets and albums.

By: Shana

Shana — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:44:13 +0000

I was married to a man for 16 years who said “I love you” daily, but rarely showed it. I’m now dating a man who cannot bring himself to say it, but shows it in his actions and in the other things he says throughout the day. I’ll take action over words any day.

By: Hal Baird

Hal Baird — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:38:43 +0000

Actually I use both forms of emotion sharing phrases. When speaking to my wife, I will express my love with what I’m feeling such as, “You are so thoughtful doing an errand for me to save me time.” or “I think you look lovely in that outfit.” With certain friends “I love you” is appropriate. My brother in law and I never end a phone conversation or meeting without exchanging an “I love you.” We, in fact, are closer than just friends or relatives so that phrase, in this case, is appropriate.

By: Michal

Michal — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 01:44:07 +0000

Julien, this post is seriously great. ;)

I have caught myself reflecting on what you have written about “I love you”, but actually never expressed those thoughs so precisely as you did ;)

I could also add: maybe “I love you” has lost its value because spending time on deep thinking becomes more and more difficult in our information-rich times. And such effort is required to express our feelings in precise ways ;)

By: Carl

Carl — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:51:22 +0000

I may have to give you a hug for the mention of THAC0 in a post about love and meaning in relationships.

Otherwise, poignant and on point as always Julien.

By: Hani

Hani — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:27:12 +0000

Also Jeremy, by responding ‘why’ to when someone says I love you, you’re kinda saying that you’re not good enough to be loved. What you really be interesting is you say ‘Thank you’ (there by accept it) and nothing else :P

By: Hani

Hani — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:25:09 +0000

I agree with you that saying “I love you” makes a couple lazy, cuz then you don’t have to notice the other person anymore no?

I do like it when guys take the trouble to notice and mention different things about me and our relationship THEN followed by an I love you :D

tee hee

By: Diane Brogan

Diane Brogan — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 21:20:36 +0000

I was going to leave a very profound comment, but Whitney and Greg have already expressed my thoughts.

Great work Julien.

By: Julien

Julien — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:52:59 +0000

Yeah, I hate that.

By: Sherm

Sherm — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:43:50 +0000

everyone gives “love” a bad rap, yet throws “hate” around like it’s going out of style. shame that both these emotions have become nothing but words, and nothing new has come up to replace either one in such a simple, monosyllabic utterance. as nice as poetic “i love you”s are to hear, most of us can’t come up with any decent alternatives. you talk about the word love being shared between couples and it losing its meaning, i think it’s more important to re-teach everyone else wha it means, so they can stop saying how much they “love cookies”….

i love your blog by the way.

By: Greg Hollingsworth

Greg Hollingsworth — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:50:24 +0000

I have to admit that my wife and I probably say I love you enough that it might be considered overkill, but I think that it’s unique to every situation.

We’ve been together coming on 10 years, 4 married, and I don’t feel like it’s lost anything. Additionally, as with most things, actions speak far louder than words.

I would postulate that the things we do for each other on a daily basis are far greater expressions of love and admiration than any sentence could truly conjure up. Sure, I could tell her that I adore her, or that I appreciate everything she does, and those would all be true, but love is found in the things we do, big or small.

Something as simple as making her funnel cake fries (yes they exist, and they are pretty awesome) after a long day instead of making her getting up to do it is every bit as important as simply saying I love you.

Words at their core are just that, words. The actions that exist behind those words are what truly define all of our relationships.

By: Whitney

Whitney — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 02:23:39 +0000

I guess Matt & I are at the extremes then- we started dating back in the 80′s- we’ve been together almost 25 years, 16 of those married. I love you can be a throw away line or deep felt- it’s all in the delivery. What do your eyes say? What does your voice and body language say? As with so many things, the context says more than the words alone.
We say things like “I love you” or
I adore you” or the more important “Thanks for being so supportive when…” and Thanks for helping me out” and “I love it when you …..”
Love is not just about the hot and heavy emotions after this length of time- it’s about mutual respect, consideration, and true best friend partnership. It’s about understanding, and cutting each other slack when you need it, and also calling each other on bad behavior when necessary.

But when I tell you, Julien, I love you, it’s about respect for your insight, for your friendship, and it’s a totally different animal than what I feel for my husband and kids, but none the less, I think it can be love as well.

The real problem is we don’t have a lot of words that make those fine gradations between “like” and “love” so love can seem generic and not special enough for that really big feeling we think we need to get from watching too many romantic comedies and chick flicks.
In the end, love comes in many different varieties and probably occurs on a spectrum, but always comes down to letting people know you care and care enough to hopefully say and mean those words on more than one occasion.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 22:05:57 +0000

Well, your answer would determine whether or not I agree with you. :)

And since your answer was everyday, then yes, I agree- total overkill.

I like that you are encouraging more thoughtful (hence meaningful) declarations of affection for those we care about most. I’m going to take your advice…for at least a week!

By: Julien

Julien — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 20:06:07 +0000

Every day, easy. Why?