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Just make this annoying thing go away.
Marathon runners have it. So do Crossfitters, gamers, art dealers, and social media people.
Insider language is everywhere. All subcultures have specialized words that comes with being part of the insider class. These expressions (THAC0 comes to mind) represent specialized, complex ideas that are important to the culture, but meaningless outside of it.
This is true for larger cultures (Canadians, Americans, the French) as well as smaller ones, of course. I can say “Voice of Fire” to Canadians and have a bunch of emotions come up– it’s a short sentence that brings up a ton of related feelings that mean nothing to anyone else.
Point? Short phrases mean a lot. But I’d actually like to make the argument that we should eliminate some of them… and that maybe “I love you” should be the first.
“I love you” isn’t a death sentence for relationships, but it sure as hell does make couples lazy. It takes all of these deep feelings and coalescing them into one vague blob of a sentence that is entirely meaningless.
Using the word “love” means a lot at first– there’s anticipation, tension, etc. It represents a million little things, but over time, it gets overused. It starts to mean nothing– especially if you’re saying it as often as the typical couple.
Are you in a relationship? Try this instead: If you have feelings that are welling up inside of you and that you want to express how much you care about someone, tell them WHY and WHAT THEY ARE. Don’t just use a phrase that everyone else uses– tell them what’s unique about your feelings and what you think of them. Try these and observe the reaction.
“You are one of the most thoughtful people I’ve ever met.”
“I adore how you always think about the little things.”
“Thank you for supporting me, even when it isn’t easy or convenient.”
… or better yet, come up with your own! :D
People don’t hear what we like about them enough– we take it for granted that they know, but often, they don’t. We never tell them. Even if they do know all about it, I’m willing to put money down that they prefer hearing how you feel vs yet another “I love you.”
Wipe it out of your vocabulary, just for a week. You’ll be amazed at the difference.
†
February 12th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Maybe we should all take a cue from Avatar and say, “I see you.” ;D
We all need to let others know how much value they add to life… “I love you” can be a crutch. Might I suggest warning your significant other if you decide to give up “I love you” just in case they expect to hear “I love you, too.”
Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 12th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
ah, so true! I like this.
I was going to post something snotty, though, about how I don’t have to listen because I only say “I love you” to my dog these days. BUT, I actually do need to start taking her for more walks, and to the dog park at least once a week.
so yes. good point. one I shall actually act upon!
February 12th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Interesting point. I think, however, that it depends on the couple. My gf and I say it to each other all the time, however that is not the only way we express our admiration and affection for each other. As with many other things, its not the statement itself, its the context with which it’s used.
The next time someone says “I love you,” try responding with “why?”. It might be interesting to see what people say.
February 12th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
My wife rarely says “I love you” to me, unless it’s in response to me saying it to her first. She also says that I do not talk about my feelings enough. So, I belive your analysis is correct.
Saying I love you without indicating “why” sometimes has little meaning, especially to women.
Mike
February 12th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
How much does the average couple say “I love you” in your estimation?
February 12th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Every day, easy. Why?
February 12th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Well, your answer would determine whether or not I agree with you. :)
And since your answer was everyday, then yes, I agree- total overkill.
I like that you are encouraging more thoughtful (hence meaningful) declarations of affection for those we care about most. I’m going to take your advice…for at least a week!
February 12th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
I guess Matt & I are at the extremes then- we started dating back in the 80’s- we’ve been together almost 25 years, 16 of those married. I love you can be a throw away line or deep felt- it’s all in the delivery. What do your eyes say? What does your voice and body language say? As with so many things, the context says more than the words alone.
We say things like “I love you” or
I adore you” or the more important “Thanks for being so supportive when…” and Thanks for helping me out” and “I love it when you …..”
Love is not just about the hot and heavy emotions after this length of time- it’s about mutual respect, consideration, and true best friend partnership. It’s about understanding, and cutting each other slack when you need it, and also calling each other on bad behavior when necessary.
But when I tell you, Julien, I love you, it’s about respect for your insight, for your friendship, and it’s a totally different animal than what I feel for my husband and kids, but none the less, I think it can be love as well.
The real problem is we don’t have a lot of words that make those fine gradations between “like” and “love” so love can seem generic and not special enough for that really big feeling we think we need to get from watching too many romantic comedies and chick flicks.
In the end, love comes in many different varieties and probably occurs on a spectrum, but always comes down to letting people know you care and care enough to hopefully say and mean those words on more than one occasion.
February 15th, 2010 at 11:50 am
I have to admit that my wife and I probably say I love you enough that it might be considered overkill, but I think that it’s unique to every situation.
We’ve been together coming on 10 years, 4 married, and I don’t feel like it’s lost anything. Additionally, as with most things, actions speak far louder than words.
I would postulate that the things we do for each other on a daily basis are far greater expressions of love and admiration than any sentence could truly conjure up. Sure, I could tell her that I adore her, or that I appreciate everything she does, and those would all be true, but love is found in the things we do, big or small.
Something as simple as making her funnel cake fries (yes they exist, and they are pretty awesome) after a long day instead of making her getting up to do it is every bit as important as simply saying I love you.
Words at their core are just that, words. The actions that exist behind those words are what truly define all of our relationships.
February 15th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
everyone gives “love” a bad rap, yet throws “hate” around like it’s going out of style. shame that both these emotions have become nothing but words, and nothing new has come up to replace either one in such a simple, monosyllabic utterance. as nice as poetic “i love you”s are to hear, most of us can’t come up with any decent alternatives. you talk about the word love being shared between couples and it losing its meaning, i think it’s more important to re-teach everyone else wha it means, so they can stop saying how much they “love cookies”….
i love your blog by the way.
February 16th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Yeah, I hate that.
February 16th, 2010 at 4:20 pm
I was going to leave a very profound comment, but Whitney and Greg have already expressed my thoughts.
Great work Julien.
February 20th, 2010 at 5:25 am
I agree with you that saying “I love you” makes a couple lazy, cuz then you don’t have to notice the other person anymore no?
I do like it when guys take the trouble to notice and mention different things about me and our relationship THEN followed by an I love you :D
tee hee
February 20th, 2010 at 5:27 am
Also Jeremy, by responding ‘why’ to when someone says I love you, you’re kinda saying that you’re not good enough to be loved. What you really be interesting is you say ‘Thank you’ (there by accept it) and nothing else :P
July 1st, 2010 at 3:51 pm
I may have to give you a hug for the mention of THAC0 in a post about love and meaning in relationships.
Otherwise, poignant and on point as always Julien.