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Just make this annoying thing go away.
A life that has been wasted leaves a body intact and pristine– but a life that has been properly used leaves scars.
Scars tell stories. They are what’s left by mistakes we’ve made. They’re what remind us of the places we’ve been and the people we’ve known.
Scars also tell us that we can handle what comes at us. When we look at a scar we got a long time ago, we remember the experience and see that we’re ok. Scars are the writing on the wall that says “You can endure.”
When I was young, my mother tried to teach me to cook, but I didn’t like the idea of getting my hands dirty, so I never learned. My hands stayed soft. There was nothing there to tell me what I’ve been through– because I hadn’t been through much.
Then I started playing capoeira and rock climbing a bit. My hands started to ache, leaving me with a kind of memory of what I had done. Over time, my hands became more resilient. I started to be able to handle pain and lost the fear of my hands being dirty.
Though it’s small, it’s a change that mirrors a larger one in my head. Now I’m not so afraid of being dirty; I’m not as afraid of making mistakes and being imperfect, particularly in front of other people. I’m better for the damage I’ve gotten.
Look– you’re going to get hurt. And sometimes, you’ll see it coming. But you should do it anyway. In fact, you need to. You need scars. You need stories.
You need to have lived.
†
January 20th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I had a best friend in my early 20s. We played music together. We laughed together. We loved each other more than anything.
And then he died in a plane crash when he was just 28. 17 years ago.
I got scars. I have stories. It hurt like hell. It still does sometimes.
But… I know I’m alive for sure, and it has made other disappointments in my life a little easier.
What a price!
John
January 21st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
The scars you choose to inflict upon yourself hurt. The process is painful, and usually it really, really sucks.
But I know of few people who, when looking back, would choose not to have gone through it.
The fun stuff simply doesn’t build character the way damage does.
January 21st, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Lovely piece and so very true…from both a personal and a business perspective.
BTW, your newsletter sign-up didn’t seem to like my e-mail address. Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian, eh?
January 21st, 2010 at 6:02 pm
I have more than a few hockey related scars. Not sure they’ve built any character although some of them make for good stories. I’m a little more cautious about ‘going into the corner’ now.
Those ‘life’ related scars are much more painful and indeed provide valuable lessons. It’s funny now as a father I hear myself telling my kids things my parents once said to me cause I don’t want them to get hurt. Parental instinct I guess.
January 22nd, 2010 at 1:35 am
Great blog post Julien.
Visible or not, scars are part of whom you have become. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today at only 25 if I hadn’t lived through them all.
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:10 am
chicks dig scars. My wife not so much. She points at the scar on my shoulder shaking her head, ‘yep that one was hell for us. 3 months you sat on couch all bound up from surgery, just because you looked at the camera too long while falling through the air on your mountainbike.’
She points at my hip, ‘oh yeah the hip surgery. Years of ironman triathlon racing, smashing your joints, while I stood on the sidelines in the rain and sometimes sun, but mostly rain.’ Oh yeah she digs scars all right. But she knows I wouldn’t be the man I am today without them…..and I think she still loves me. We have a couple of beautiful little boys to show for it.
Great post Julien, I’ll be back for more of the same.
January 22nd, 2010 at 6:10 pm
When I first found out that I would have to get kidney surgery, and the surgery would leave me with scars on my stomach, I was scared and upset. It’s scary to be young and have something you are so familiar with (your body) be altered forever, and not of your own accord.
Also – I was scared I wouldn’t be ‘pretty’ anymore.
Now, five years later, the scars are barely visible.
But now, I also kinda wish my scars were bigger.
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:40 am
“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.”
– Garrison Keillor
Read that as the Montreal Gazette’s daily quote a little while back. This post reminded me of it immediately.
January 31st, 2010 at 12:12 pm
You know how people get strong? By getting back up … by pushing against the tough thing. Just like physical work outs, our success muscles need to be moved in small and big ways to get shaped and handle more challenge and recover and so on. The mark of someone i want to work with isn’t how high they’ve gone but how many times they’ve gotten back up because they know how to get stronger, better over time.
January 31st, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Hi Julien,
I got to this blog post today via a tweet from Tim O’Reilly. What a power post and incredible sentiment. Thank you – I needed to hear this today. Signed up for your newsletter and subscribed to this blog. Look forward to reading more!
January 31st, 2010 at 12:30 pm
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – beer in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”
January 31st, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Wow, great thought for the day. I also came to this via O’Reilly. Your sentiments are exactly what I’ve been feeling as I look to a milestone birthday in a few weeks. thanks!
February 1st, 2010 at 7:12 am
i’m going to go fuck something up today
on purpose
because i don’t know if it will help
so let me find out
i have old scars
but really
nothing new of late
that makes me more afraid of them
so i have been avoiding it
making myself go in a direction i’m looking at but not moving towards
i’ve been staying safe
i should be smashing into something
here we go
February 13th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I LOVE this concept.
Great attitude.
I’m eager to read more.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I had a few things removed off my back, my knee and my upper arm by a doc who usually does cosmetic surgery. He just put some butterfly bandages on them. I asked how I should care for them. He started by saying “If you are worried about scars…” and I interrupted him. “No! I could care less; I’m a 54 year old man. I want to know if I should put antibiotic on them, etc.”
“No,” he replied, “Just let them be and watch for any signs of infection.”
“great!” I replied, “If anybody asks about them I can just make shit up about how I got them!”
His nurse laughed but he seemed less than pleased.
I think she got it.
His usual surface practice for skin perfection blinded him to any depth regarding what had just happened.
I have better scars but they aren’t visible.
April 28th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Like this a lot. Instead of being pissed about my scars/callusses, posts like these will help me justify them as counterpoints of a life that was well-lived.
April 28th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
@Ross — You’re damn right.
April 30th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Really like this. I’ve been resonating with a lot of your posts lately because I’m in a frustrating space. I think too often when we hit low points we look for (and long for) the easy way out; the path of least resistance. This is a good reminder that said path is probably not the best one. I ponder/wrote about some of these thoughts myself last night. http://www.davesohnchen.com/derailed/
This post is reassurance that I’m on the right track.
August 23rd, 2010 at 8:02 am
Ross suggests a very interesting point: It’s not just having scars – it’s our perception of those scars.
While it’s true that scars can tell us “You can endure”, they can also tell us “I’m damaged because of so and so…”
The observer affects the outcome.
August 24th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
This is probably one of the best articles I have read in a long time. I was directed to this by reading today’s in over your head email. I can’t tell you how meaningful this is in my life right now. Where success was second nature and never a bump in the road and all of a sudden a HUGE mountain seemed to fall on top of me… million to zilch … I sometimes wonder how I get through the next day with the mountains that are still on top of me, and the things that will still scar me in the very near or not so near future. Such a long story and so many scars in such a short period of time .. and just 30… but I continue to learn. Today even I said “for as bad as my whole experience was.. I would not have the confidence to…. without ‘being there’ and ‘doing that’…
I could write for hours on what this subject means and how its just not exactly easy to see that its ok.. that you are better for it… and that the scars will help develop your strength. If you do not have the clarity to see that, to understand it and to utilize it, it will just be a big pile of ugliness that you will never get passed.
PS: You are RIGHT – you have to make your own mistakes and it is entirely up to YOU to learn from them. If you don’t, you will continue to make them.