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All social media experts "are actually the same person," Wikileaks documents reveal

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Candid documents released by Wikileaks on Tuesday have revealed all social media experts to actually be “the exact same individual,” the Guardian reported.

“Paul from Miami,” as he is identified in Wikileaks documents, appears to be the source of an entire industry of Twitter experts who seemingly give the same advice and yet somehow all have over 20,000 Twitter followers each.

“This is unprecedented,” said Jason Falls, a social media expert, in comment. “Like the moon landing and the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, how social media experts make money despite all having the same advice has always been guarded at the highest level. Now we finally know the truth. They are all the same person.” It is unclear whether Falls is, himself, “Paul from Miami” or an actual person.

Tensions mounted in the international community as Twitter experts worldwide called to their followers to “trust them.” Amber Naslund, who has actually been seen in person and has a real job, has been vouching for social media experts she “has met in person and knows for sure to be real.” Whether she herself is merely a pawn, or a real social media expert, remains to be seen.

#itsover was seen to be trending on Twitter, as accounts across the world discussed the impending catastrophe. The documents also revealed trust funds, spam, wealthy spouses, and jobs at Starbucks to be the top ways in which those social media experts who are real people pay their bills. Brian Solis, an expert who has been seen in many photographs and is therefore probably real, called for his industry to “engage,” mirroring the advice of many social media experts worldwide. His statement was retweeted by many, casting a spectre of doubt over many Twitter accounts who do all kind of seem to give the same advice, come to think of it.

Traffic to Wikileaks continued to soar despite DDoS assaults as unknown attackers continued to try and take down their servers this morning. “Social media experts could not be responsible for these attacks,” theorized CC Chapman, a content strategist, whatever that means. “Social media experts just don’t know enough about the internet to make it happen,” he concluded.

These allegations, and their implications, shake the very foundation of a nascent industry whose top figures have become well-known consultants and speakers at events around the world, some of which supposedly even happen in person.

Meanwhile, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange suggested more bombshells might be on the way. Speculation was rampant that “SEO experts” and “marketing gurus” might also all be sourced from a single individual, or worse, be “Paul from Miami” as well. Paranoia is on the rise.

Joseph Jaffe, a known South African social media expert and podcaster, concluded that “joining the conversation” was the only real solution to this dilemma. “We have to flip the funnel and engage, or we will never again be able to build social capital, or be part of the tribe,” Jaffe said, for some reason with a suspiciously American accent.

(With apologies to the Onion and thanks to Jay Baer.)

* Filed by Julien at 8:56 am under humour, social media


Hi, I’m Julien Smith. I'm the founder and CEO of Breather.

Check out more of my blog, my free book or add me on twitter. Also, we're hiring. Check that out.

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45 Responses to “All social media experts "are actually the same person," Wikileaks documents reveal”

  1. Chel Says:

    Best. Laugh. Evah.

  2. The Doctor Says:

    Thanks. You just made my day. :)

  3. Sano Says:

    Good one. Hillarious.

  4. Drew Hawkins Says:

    Earth-shattering. And awesome.

  5. Barbara Dozetos Says:

    Julien, this is one of the funniest bits I’ve read in a long time. Love it!

  6. Luca Says:

    I laughed, smiled and then took a deep breath in sigh of relief that this has been published.

    That is all.

  7. Anthony Rotolo Says:

    This explains so much!

  8. Teri Conrad Says:

    Oh you clever boy! haha

  9. Ironshef Says:

    This post was epic. In fact…

    “It was great. It was better than Cats. I would [read] it again and again.”

  10. Gloria Bell Says:

    Thank you for the best laugh of the week!

  11. Sylvia Lima Says:

    I knew it! Multiple websites, multiple projects, multiple Facebook pages & multi-twitter accounts – makes total sense! ;) thx for the this morning’s LOL

  12. Andrea Arrogante Says:

    I like it!
    How’s the weather in Miami, Paul?

  13. Sascha Says:

    I can see clearly now… :D

  14. Sol Young Says:

    One person, somewhere, is getting the last laugh.

  15. P f M Says:

    Now I am really confused. Am I really so many person?

  16. Jon, I mean Bob, I mean Sally... Says:

    Now my fingers are really hurting from typing out so many comments under different names.

  17. Joseph Jaffe Says:

    Turns out Julien Smith was actually Strumpette. Who knew?

    Very illuminating Mr Illuminati

  18. Dave Macdonald Says:

    Love it hilarious!

  19. Tamsen McMahon Says:

    Simply divine, Mr. Smith…if that *is* your real name.

  20. Renee C Says:

    We have to flip the funnel and engage… classic.

  21. Sherman Rockwell Says:

    Glad it’s finally out!

  22. Jess Ostroff Says:

    I KNEW Jay and Jason were actually just the same person in different offensive t-shirts! Love. Thanks for spreading the truth, Julian!

  23. Jess Ostroff Says:

    (Julien, not Julian, sorry!!)

  24. Aimee Davison Says:

    Related: always remember that a guru is an energy drink.

  25. Miriam Schwab Says:

    Thanks so much for making me lol. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. I especially love “We have to flip the funnel and engage, or we will never again be able to build social capital, or be part of the tribe.”

  26. Markus Says:

    Great! This explains a lot ;)

  27. Diane Brogan Says:

    Julien, You are brilliant :)

  28. John Wayne Zimmerman Says:

    Quick. Someone reprogram the Matrix.. we can’t be found out. LOL.

  29. Judah Johns Says:

    LoL Thanks for making my day better.

  30. Barry Dalton Says:

    great humor always has a thread of truth…we all need to be able to laugh at ourselves now and again. Julien, mission accomplished!

  31. Chris Says:

    Amazing…! I wish I had thought of that, smarty pants…lol

  32. Jim Greenberg Says:

    Made my day…

  33. Lynette Young Says:

    The gig is UP – grab the chips and RUN! Dammit, now we all have to go back to our regular day gigs of fry cook or janitor.

  34. Adrienne Knight Says:

    Love it! Hilarious!!!

  35. Janet Says:

    Darn it! Now I have to back to my job at Starbucks!

  36. Kathleen Gage Says:

    Probably someone with lots of personalities. LOL

  37. Amber Naslund Says:

    I am merely a pawn in the great game known as internet superfame. And I have two cats. And my avatar is really a photoshopped version of Neve Campbell. Believe it. She ROCKS the internets and the Twitters. I make all my money selling herbal supplements.

  38. Rina Says:

    LOL.I couldn’t stop laughing. Very clever.
    -Guru and social expert#3164

  39. andrew Says:

    This social media expert is only trying to improve his/her advocacy – what is wrong with that?

  40. Kris Bradley Says:

    incredibly funny on a most sarcastic level

  41. Chris Burdge Says:

    u funny Mr. Smith, or should I call you ‘Paul’…

  42. roni Says:

    dammit you caught me. Now I’ll be Sally from Miami. FUCK!

  43. Howard Stein Says:

    Then the irreversible thrilling excitement of a Chief Social Media Strategist at a large East Coast ad agency who was PROMOTED to Chief Social Media Content Officer! (I think I got that right within a position or two) It was HUGE, dude, huge.
    I quiver at the thought.

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